September 04, 2010

Ever hear of 'stream of consciousness'?

Pain. Misery. Guilt. Betrayal. Lost.
Lonely, wanting needing, expressing one's self gone, sucked into the wretched void from whence it came, was produced. Something's gotta give, let go, venture to the outmost extremes. Screams. She screams and screams for rescue, safety, security. Nothing more. Nothing less. FUCK YOU. who? The demons inside one's head? who knows. Who knew? Why? Why must we go on like this What is this doing for us What is this teaching us What is this all about??? Where are we really going And why would you want to find out What this is all about Why we must know what to do When we need to do it to know How to know ourselves Who we really ought to strive to be For whatever reason You must decide where to end up next to Me when the paths cross At which we will determine how To live the rest of our lives In wonder in peace in sadness in happiness In ourselves our very own skin and Believe that That is you and this is me.
I want you to want me to
Want to be with this message
To speak when we must
Know what the fuck is going on with
What we have and what we want and what
You need to say and what I
Need to say in order to work through whatever
Because this is the time when
I decide what to sort out from what I
Love and what I want and all I know is that
You have needs too.

I don't know what this is all about. I watch you move across the room across the lawn across the road the road the road the path What path is there So many paths building into one long continuous tunnel of never ending light and never ending possibilities with no exceptions no answers just going, winding, switchbacks all through the rest of your life, no turning back, no re-dos or make-ups, just forward on and on and on and on.............nothing but light and dark, pain and joy, giving and receiving, that's all we are, takers and givers who don't think about anyone but themselves, we are all selfish, sure some more so than others, but who is to say? All you catty little sluts out there only care about yourself and your own mind and body, if that. You just take and take and take and think you're the queen of the whole mother fucking world, that everyone loves you, you are famous in your own shallow world, your pathetic puddle of an ocean or sea of deepness and meaning, you lack it all, you have none, you are just a pathetic little puddle. You are a thief and a whore, and you make so many think they like you, that you like them when you could care less. You are only ignorant. Stop trying to act like you have been friends since third grade!!! You bitch. Stop praising and talking so sweet in your manipulative ways and making up shit about yourself because many can see through it, the intelligent ones can see through it and say, I say, we don't want you here, you are not welcome, you have nothing inside you, you are not a good person, and you have no soul. I want you to stop. Just leave it alone, leave it be, and get the fuck out of here.

This piece of shit sorry ass excuse for new technology lasting the span of about a month! I was so terribly led astray by you telling me it was so durable and would last a long time, you tricked me, you son of a bitch, you lied to me and showed me the better parts the cool extensions and features just to turn around and spit in my face. You fell apart. You are worthless and I wish I never even laid eyes on you. I knew I should've just fixed the one that was mine before you. I wish I had endless piles of money stashed away in conspicuous corners that I could access whenever I please, I wish I could have gotten what I truly wanted, but instead I'm now stuck with you in my hand and my ear. You make me sick sometimes, so sick I just want to chuck you at the tallest most threatening brick wall I've ever seen and watch you die. And yet I can't, because I need you, I depend on you, you are my secondary sometimes primary source of communication and I loathe you for it. I want something new, something better, something different. Someday when that day finally arrives, I will be so relieved and happy to see you thrown in the dumpster.

Art is.........what the fuck is art? Art is so many things to so many people, art grows and diminishes, lives and dies, constantly changing like the planet earth. Ha! Everything changes. Evolution occurs in every single thing, living or dead, animate or inanimate. You can tell I'm not as passionate about this particular subject at this particular peculiar moment in time like I usually would be. I have so much fire in me right now. Intense flames rising, spewing, reaching the opening of the volcano, the crater, the mouth, vomiting words of disgust vile putrid horrid wretched frightening disturbing nonsense. Because really, it's all just a load of shit.
I just want to be. Leave me alone. Let me live my life and if you want to help me, go ahead, if not, then fine. This is ridiculous. I'm sick of so many things so many people telling me what to do and how to be and what to do about this and that and me and you and whatever the fuck you want. It's not about what you want, because this is my life. I get to choose where I go, and my path will lead me in the right direction, just like it has all my life. My decisions are my own and always will be. I will do what keeps me content.
That's it.


  1. Ir'a good to let it all out Jera. And so very brave of you to do so in such a public fashion.
    xo The Empress

  2. I like how your post seems to have ADD. I liked the start, kinda lost me in the middle, picked me back up toward the end with the art bit. I suppose that's 2 / 3 bits that I liked so pretty good over all.

  3. I agree with everything The Empress has said. Sometimes all that is needed is a monumental thought purge.


  4. Wow. Well done. I feel drained just reading it. I hope it made you feel better after you wrote it. Hugs :)

  5. I will simply repeat what others have said and say the only word that comes to mind here: Wow. How can something filled with such anger still be so poetic? I hope this was cathartic for you, and I'm glad to have had the chance to read it. Thank you.

  6. The first part of this post, is exactly what I went thru ... and at the first part of this year I made a decision.. I don't regret it.. Though, I have never been in that position where I had to end the insanity by walking away from a toxic person

  7. I think our minds have minds of their own.


Please do comment. I mean, it's not there for decoration. And I do enjoy a little chit-chat ;-)