Ever hear of 'stream of consciousness'?

Pain. Misery. Guilt. Betrayal. Lost.
Lonely, wanting needing, expressing one's self gone, sucked into the wretched void from whence it came, was produced. Something's gotta give, let go, venture to the outmost extremes. Screams. She screams and screams for rescue, safety, security. Nothing more. Nothing less. FUCK YOU. who? The demons inside one's head? who knows. Who knew? Why? Why must we go on like this What is this doing for us What is this teaching us What is this all about??? Where are we really going And why would you want to find out What this is all about Why we must know what to do When we need to do it to know How to know ourselves Who we really ought to strive to be For whatever reason You must decide where to end up next to Me when the paths cross At which we will determine how To live the rest of our lives In wonder in peace in sadness in happiness In ourselves our very own skin and Believe that That is you and this is me.
I want you to want me to
Want to be with this message
To speak when we must
Know what the fuck is going on with
What we have and what we want and what
You need to say and what I
Need to say in order to work through whatever
Because this is the time when
I decide what to sort out from what I
Love and what I want and all I know is that
You have needs too.

I don't know what this is all about. I watch you move across the room across the lawn across the road the road the road the path What path is there So many paths building into one long continuous tunnel of never ending light and never ending possibilities with no exceptions no answers just going, winding, switchbacks all through the rest of your life, no turning back, no re-dos or make-ups, just forward on and on and on and on.............nothing but light and dark, pain and joy, giving and receiving, that's all we are, takers and givers who don't think about anyone but themselves, we are all selfish, sure some more so than others, but who is to say? All you catty little sluts out there only care about yourself and your own mind and body, if that. You just take and take and take and think you're the queen of the whole mother fucking world, that everyone loves you, you are famous in your own shallow world, your pathetic puddle of an ocean or sea of deepness and meaning, you lack it all, you have none, you are just a pathetic little puddle. You are a thief and a whore, and you make so many think they like you, that you like them when you could care less. You are only ignorant. Stop trying to act like you have been friends since third grade!!! You bitch. Stop praising and talking so sweet in your manipulative ways and making up shit about yourself because many can see through it, the intelligent ones can see through it and say, I say, we don't want you here, you are not welcome, you have nothing inside you, you are not a good person, and you have no soul. I want you to stop. Just leave it alone, leave it be, and get the fuck out of here.

This piece of shit sorry ass excuse for new technology lasting the span of about a month! I was so terribly led astray by you telling me it was so durable and would last a long time, you tricked me, you son of a bitch, you lied to me and showed me the better parts the cool extensions and features just to turn around and spit in my face. You fell apart. You are worthless and I wish I never even laid eyes on you. I knew I should've just fixed the one that was mine before you. I wish I had endless piles of money stashed away in conspicuous corners that I could access whenever I please, I wish I could have gotten what I truly wanted, but instead I'm now stuck with you in my hand and my ear. You make me sick sometimes, so sick I just want to chuck you at the tallest most threatening brick wall I've ever seen and watch you die. And yet I can't, because I need you, I depend on you, you are my secondary sometimes primary source of communication and I loathe you for it. I want something new, something better, something different. Someday when that day finally arrives, I will be so relieved and happy to see you thrown in the dumpster.

Art is.........what the fuck is art? Art is so many things to so many people, art grows and diminishes, lives and dies, constantly changing like the planet earth. Ha! Everything changes. Evolution occurs in every single thing, living or dead, animate or inanimate. You can tell I'm not as passionate about this particular subject at this particular peculiar moment in time like I usually would be. I have so much fire in me right now. Intense flames rising, spewing, reaching the opening of the volcano, the crater, the mouth, vomiting words of disgust vile putrid horrid wretched frightening disturbing nonsense. Because really, it's all just a load of shit.
I just want to be. Leave me alone. Let me live my life and if you want to help me, go ahead, if not, then fine. This is ridiculous. I'm sick of so many things so many people telling me what to do and how to be and what to do about this and that and me and you and whatever the fuck you want. It's not about what you want, because this is my life. I get to choose where I go, and my path will lead me in the right direction, just like it has all my life. My decisions are my own and always will be. I will do what keeps me content.
That's it.
Empty
Vacant
Hollow
Finished
Done.

Je Te Manque, Mon Cher

Yes, more French for ya (thanks for the correction SKS).

I apologize for the lack of blog posts lately. Yesterday, I was in Denver with my good friend from school (also a dance major, yay!) to take some more pictures (I really need to build my bunch a little more so it's no longer a bunch but a whole freakin' lot). So that's partially why there was no post all day. Hopefully I got some winners (in the photos) and perhaps you will see one pop up for Photo de la Semaine this weekend (so keep an eye out!). I have also been rather occupied with Lost as well (as you know, if you read my previous post). I'm telling you, it's got me sucked in.

I want to say that another reason why I haven't been posting lately is because I'm. Stressing. Out.

For one thing (a big thing) is that my other half (Charles) is away for the weekend in wonderful Panama City, Florida while I'm stuck here all alone (actually, I chose to stay at my parents' house because I get all freaked out if I have to sleep in my apartment by myself...). He's there for specific reasons, and I was unfortunately unable to get (buy) a plane ticket (lack of money). Now, I know it's rather silly of me to be all sad and whatnot about it because it's only for four days. We went the entire school year last year by practically only seeing each other on weekends because we lived a little over an hour apart. But still. With both of us unemployed lately (sad, I know) we haven't really been away from each other for more than a few hours (aww, so precious).

It's like we're joined at the hip.

I miss him. A lot. Charles, if you're reading this (you better be reading this) then I want you to call me immediately after you have commented. I'll send you a reminder text message as well.

The other things I'm a little stressed over right now is the fact that school is starting again on Monday (holy shit) and I haven't danced at all or been in the greatest of shape over the summer. Plus, I'm beginning to have second thoughts...but I may have to just mention that in a post a little later down the road. Also, I'm worried about this not having a job and running out of money very quickly ordeal. Basically, I'm just scared. But I'm sure I'll figure it out and push past it once school starts and I'm busy doing things again (this is where the wonderful encouragement from you comes in, loyal readers).

Haha...This is not a normal blog for me, I apologize. You were probably like, "Ooh, a French title, this should be interesting". And then you got to reading it and didn't expect it to be about me bitching and whining about my poor little self, which is why you probably stopped reading it two paragraphs ago. That's OK. I won't take it personal. I just needed to write something, and this is what started to pour out of me. My emotions have literally filled to the brim and are now spilling over the top of it.

I do have a little project in mind that I will be working on over the weekend and display it on my blog for all to see. But I'm not telling you what it is yet. It's a surprise (everybody love surprises!). I will give you one hint (in a picture) and you will have to guess what it is. I'll check back with you tomorrow and supply you all with another little hint. I hope to be done with it on Saturday, so I'll keep you posted.

Hint #1:

Thanks for reading (for those of you who got all the way through it).
And now I give you a spur of the moment poem:

Running quiet
Breeze whispers
Grass clings
Sneakers snicker
The question remains.
Blankets spread
The squirrel will tread
Cotton flutters
The bird proclaims.
Knees knocking
Clouds blocking
Eyes locking
Rocking
Rocking
Rocking
The question still remains.

Ok, that may not have been my best work, but I hope you can find your own meaning to it (you can tell me about it too if you'd like).

See you tomorrow friends!

Peace.